Never discuss politics or religion. That is usually good advice to avoid getting into heated, emotional debates that often escalate into uncomfortable situations. However, it is often difficult to avoid discussing the important issues that face our society including politics and other issues that tend to create emotional reactions.
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” This is habit #5 in Stephen Covey’s book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Learn this habit, and you will go a long way in improving communication in all of your relationships: parents, significant others, children, friends, enemies, co-workers.
Seek first to understand. That means staying quiet and listening. Let the other person complete their story or explain their point of view before you speak. Stay quiet for a bit. Seek to understand their point of view first. An important point to remember is that understanding does not mean agreement. Just because you are able to listen long enough to really understand a person’s perspective on an issue does not mean you agree with them. Remember that fact and it will help you go a long way in keeping conversations out of emotional escalation. Listen and understand, but you do not necessarily have to agree with them.
Then, seek to be understood. Now that you have listened to the other person and they feel you understand them, you can then begin to share your point of view. Just seek to be understood, but know you do not have to convince the other person you are “right”. Before you get into a heated argument, think to yourself, “Does it really matter if I convince this person that my perspective is ‘right’?” What would happen if you just stopped the debate, silently agreeing to disagree. What would happen if you just listened to their point of view and left it at that?
I have learned that many times it is best to just let someone else speak their point of view, whether I agree with it or not. Then, just let it be. Other times, I listen, then share my point of view clarifying that I understand it is different from their point of view. I no longer make it my mission to convince someone that my perspective is right. Because there often is no right or wrong, just differing points of view.
I get along great with my parents, with the exception of politics. In the past, whenever we started discussing politics, I would get very upset and emotions would flare, ruining an otherwise very nice visit. After incorporating Stephen Covey’s habit #5 into my life, I am now able to listen and understand my parents’ point of view without getting emotionally involved. I just listen to them and no longer feel the need to share my point of view or try to convince them to change their perspective; I know that understanding does not mean agreement. Our visits now stay calm and enjoyable for everyone, especially me!
Practice the following steps in your conversations with people and see how things seem to go much more smoothly when you “seek first to understand”:
1) Stop talking and let the other person finish speaking. Avoid cutting in and wanting to share your ideas before they have completed their story. Listen.
2) Let the other person know you listened and understand their point of view. Maybe repeat a few of their points so they are confident that you understand.
3) Remember that understanding does not mean agreement! You can understand someone and still disagree with their point of view.
4) Share your story and your point of view. But remember that it is not necessary to change the person’s mind so they agree with you.
5) Remember that often there is no right or wrong, just different points of view.
Practice these steps of “seeking first to understand” in all your relationships. I think you will discover, as I have, that life flows much more peacefully.
Namaste